I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
