if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
home. puking in laundry basket.
We are two peas in an std pod
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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