Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
