you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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