You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
