my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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