I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
