i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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