Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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