First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
