why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
