I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
