i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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