I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
