My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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