and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
