I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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