I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
