There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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