I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
