Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
