Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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