someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
