did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
