he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
