Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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