So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
