I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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