I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
