I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
