Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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