wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
