I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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