I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
