May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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