well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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