My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
