i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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