Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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