life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
