the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
