Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
