belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
