Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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