You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
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