My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
