Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
