Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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