the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
