He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
