This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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