You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Holy sore nipples Batman
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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