I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
