I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
