I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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