Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
And then my night got REAL pukey
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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