Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
