piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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