he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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