i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
