I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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