quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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