YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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