you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
