Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize