Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
