i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
