ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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